Chemo Cycle 5 - an Update

A Bit More Good News

I had my 5th chemo treatment this past Wednesday (July 16).    In addition to no longer having to take the carboplatin chemo, I found out it takes out a couple of the other infusions (I was getting 4 during each session - 1 additional for anti nausea and additional steroid) -  now I'm down to just taking the pemetrexed.  This considerably shortens our chemo day.  That's a win.

The other really great thing is that I no longer have to take the oral olanzapine.    That was the powerful anti-nausea drug that also laid me flat on the couch for a good week.   I still have to take other oral steroids and lighter anti-nausea drugs but the side effects aren't anywhere near what I had with the olanzapine.  - so another bit of good news.

I'm feeling ok - I have a little more energy than before (still fatigued though) and am not feeling too nauseated.  I'm still a little derpy thinking through things (chemo brain)- but nowhere near as bad as before when I felt like I couldn't even put two thoughts together.  So that's more good news.  We'll see as time goes on this week.

Serious Things to Talk About.

I'm struggling with the reality of this situation that I find myself in.   I try to be honest and upfront with people.  Even though there is good news about tumors shrinking, the reality is that I have Stage IV lung cancer.  What does this mean?

Stage IV means that the cancer is advanced, and has spread to organs and tissues well beyond the original site in my right lung.  In my case, it means that even though there is tumor shrinkage and affected areas have minimized - the cancer is still everywhere at a microscopic level.  Because of the nature of adenocarcinoma, at some point, the treatments will no longer work.  It will come back and I will most likely die from this or complications associated with it as things progress.  How much time I have is all just a statistical game.  I'm hoping for newer, more advanced treatments, but I'm not hopeful with the many spending cuts going through on medical research right now.

We're in good shape for now.  Left untreated, statistically, I would have had 3 months to a year to live.  So I'm very grateful that things are going so well.

I have an incredible team of doctors, advanced practitioners, and nurses that are utilizing the most up to date treatments.  I could be lucky and still be here 5 or 6 years, or even longer.  Or I might not be so lucky.  Again - its that statistical game.

What I am finding particularly frustrating are the daily reminders of how we as a culture talk about cancer.  I think people think of cancer as one disease - but the reality is that there are countless types, all of which are out of control tumor cells - but none of which require the same drugs - the application is similar, but they are definitely not the same. 

We talk about "fighting" cancer and "beating it".  Coming to the "completion of treatment".  It's in articles.  It's on blogs.  It's in conversations with friends - which is the hardest.  In my case, none of these will be true.  

There are many types of cancers that are screened for regularly, that are caught early.  Stage I and Stage II  patients - when caught early, they can "win their cancer battle".   That just isn't my reality and I find it difficult when people talk to me about "fighting it" and "beating it".  I have found myself explaining to friends my reality and sometimes even comforting them.  

I find these conversations difficult, but I would rather be upfront about things.  I think it makes people feel better to say things like that.  Maybe they think they are encouraging me.  Maybe they think they are comforting me.  Maybe they think it's what they are supposed to say to any cancer patient.  Maybe they think it's giving me hope.  It just plain and simple isn't. All cancers just aren't under one umbrella.  It's important to know that before you start talking.

I really don't mind talking about it.  Sometimes its a relief.  But maybe start with a question.  You don't have to feel like you need to comfort me.  I just appreciate your friendship and support.

What is helping me?

I try very hard not to think about the future - unless it's near term and making fun plans - or day to day things that need to be done.   If I do think of the grave reality of the future, it only puts me in a headspace of sadness for lost plans and a serious case of FOMO - of missing loved ones and friends.  How unfair this all is  -  and so, so much more.  I try real hard not to go there.

I try equally hard not to think of the past - aside from happy times.  There are some negative instances that we drag along with us.  They can bring us down too.  Why waste our time thinking about that.  I know its the human way for us to learn from past mistakes - but sometimes you can cruelly make mountains out of molehills that affects how we move through life.  Self criticism and living in victim-hood of the past just isn't worth it.  

I'm trying really hard just to stay in the present moment.  To live each day- doing things that I love to do.  To appreciate the everyday stuff. 

It's hard to do and I have my moments.  I very unexpectedly lost it when I went in for my MRI a few weeks back.  As I walked in - just being in the space - my brain flashed backwards to the very instant on March 19th - when I received that life altering diagnosis.  The sheer panic I felt.  I re-lived it.  It was horrible.  I had to force myself through the moment.  I recognized what was happening - but somehow your brain can just "go there" in an instant, and when you least expect it.

That single incident brought me back to this awareness of staying in the present.  It's a real practice but it helps so much.  And I'm sure it is worth while for everyone - with or without cancer.

More to explore.

I've been trying to schedule fun things to do.  It keeps me in the present moment.

A couple of friends and I decided to drive up to Baraboo a few weeks ago to a lavender farm for the day.  It was such an enjoyable time.  We toured the farm, walked a bit, got to enjoy some lavender treats and bought a few things.  We sat and drank lavender infused tea while we knit and looked at the scenery.  It was a really wonderful way to spend the day. 

My friend Cheryl was in town for several days visiting her son - and that meant that we got to go out and do all sorts of fun things.  We went to see the Madison Jazz Orchestra at the 7 Acre Dairy.  We went to the Art Fair on the Square and then we had dinner.  It was great!

Paul and I went to Lola's again.  They are celebrating Christmas in July - as you can tell from the holiday lights.  It was fun!

My Plans

Since I've been feeling a bit better, I've been cleaning up my studio spaces.  Everything has gotten so dirty just sitting for the past 4 months, especially the stuff in the garage.  I'm hoping to start dyeing yarn again in the next week or two.  I need to get prepared for a few fall shows coming up.  The cleaning is taking forever though.... and it's not much fun, but it gets me closer to doing the things I love.

Thanks for reading on with my blatherings.  I guess I had a lot of things on my mind this time.

Take care.  Sending my love,

Laura